Name it to Tame it
I just love this picture of our daughter Amy Jo. Have you ever had one of those days? She’s an adult now with a family of her own, but this little girl had some sass. Today, she’s got lots of class but still has some of that cute sass. She could give you that “stank eye” in a flash. She was at her grandmother’s house when my Mom captured this adorableness. I wish I knew what was going on at this moment. She was all up in her feels and probably wasn’t happy that her Maw Maw took her picture. She still doesn’t like to be in pictures.
A child’s feelings can be quite complex. They lack the skills to manage their emotions effectively, which means everything can be a big deal. We must remember that a child’s prefrontal cortex isn’t fully developed and they need this part of the brain to experience intense emotions. So, when children are overwhelmed, they are not capable of reasoning the same as adults are.
You may hear your children giggling in a room and in a matter of seconds, a bloodcurdling scream comes from the same room. You run to their aid, thinking that a door has been shut on one of their fingers, only to find your daughter can’t get her doll’s pants on (eye-roll). Seriously?! You almost had a heart attack.
What is a parent, caretaker, or educator to do? Being present and empathetic when a child is expressing BIG emotions isn’t easy. Yet, we have an important role in helping children identify and name their feelings as we find teachable moments to navigate challenging emotions. It’s also beneficial to perceive the world through their eyes, which takes practice and patience.
“Name it to tame it” is a phrase coined by Dr. Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine. When we can identify and name our feelings and emotions, we are more likely to reduce the stress of those feelings just by using our words. “Naming it” out loud, can lessen the intensity of the moment, as a child feels seen, heard, and understood, in effect “taming” the emotion.
I think we’ve all been guilty of negating a child’s feelings by making statements like, “There’s nothing to be scared of,”… ”Don’t be sad,” or “Big boys and girls don’t cry.” What children need most is to see that you are listening, that you are there, and that you care.
Let’s look at a few emotions that we can help children “Name it to Tame it”:
Fear - If they are frightened of the dark, you might say, “It can be scary at night. Let’s leave a light on and make sure the doors are locked.” You can honor their feelings and give them a solution.
Sadness - If they are crying or feeling sad, you might say, “It’s okay to be sad. Sometimes I’m sad too. When I’m sad, I like a big hug. May I hug you?”
Anger - If they are angry, you might say, “Can you use your words to tell me why you are angry?” Listen, acknowledge what angered them, and you can offer a tool by saying, “I get angry sometimes. I like to take deep breaths while placing my hands over my heart. Let’s do that together.”
As you welcome emotional expression without shame or judgment, your children can find their way back to peace as they learn to feel their feelings fully. This also cultivates an atmosphere of connection and empathy.
“Naming it to tame it” isn’t only for children. We too can benefit from this tool of emotional expression. I encourage you to try it. What are you feeling? Where do you feel it in your body? Name it. Be with the emotion and allow it to be expressed. Honor your feelings, like you would a friend’s feelings. The intensity decreases as you tame your feelings.
